Heavenly Father,
I must admit, I am lost and confused and frustrated and angry and feeling helpless. James 1:2 says, "consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." I am finding it hard to consider what is going on "joyful", because quite honestly it feels like pure hell. I must really be lacking for your work to not be complete. Lord I lack wisdom in a big way. I really do try to make right choices, but how am I to know what is right for my walk with you. People say all the time that your Word (the Bible) is our road map for our journey, but then why do I feel lost and confused and frustrated and angry and helpless. I am asking for wisdom. I want to make the right choices for my wife and baby and cancer. I am asking for a road map Lord because I am lost. I am going crazy trying to do what is right for Alyson. I am asking strength to be a helpmate for her and to make the right decisions for her treatment. Lord I want my wife with me while we wait for your call. You put us together for a reason Lord. I cry out for your hand of mercy to heal my wife and to make her whole again. Lord, I am not angry with you. I know you Love me, and I know you sent your son for my sins. I just want a roadmap! Lord could you also give Alyson peace and quiet in her heart as she seeks your presence. She has been before your throne trying to hear your voice. Give her wisdom.
Besides Lord, give a man some credit for stopping and asking for directions. I Love you Lord!!!!
AMEN
As you can tell it has been a hard night. I ask for your continued prayers as we may be blazing a new trail to put on a map someday.
I want to thank a great friend for his honesty the other night. Brett Reed you are truly an amazing man. Your honesty was greatly appreciated and I am forever indebted to you. I truly cherish your friendship. You really helped me clear somethings up in my mind, things that I was too afraid to share with Alyson. Its like I said on the phone, "there is no map for what I am doing right now, but I sure wish I had one". You are an awesome man. I Love You. (you know what I mean, sicko).
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We walk by faith not by sight. If you are looking for a map to show you where you are going you may not receive it. God wants us to trust him not ourselves. I am lost and confused and frustrated and angry and feeling helpless. These feelings are common but they are not from the God of Peace. The father of all lies is the one who tells us that if we walk blindly we will fall. Trust is not an easy thing, that is why Perseverance is so important. As far as joy is concerned, I do not believe that the joy is for the pain we are going through now but what comes after. It is no fun living in pain but if it brings us closer to God than it is worth it and the Joy of the Lord is my strength. The Bible is a road map in that it points to the truth, and you will know the truth and be set free. It is God who sets us free through His Spirit. Our desire to walk by sight is hostile to God’s Spirit leading us. Therefore, we must die to our desire so we can be lead by the Spirit. That takes Faith. It is impossible to be pleasing to God without Faith. Faith means trusting when youcan not see. Sometimes you just have to decide to trust even though it makes no sense at all.
Brian and Aly, I know you will be okay because I have seen your fruits. You are a rare bread that cares for others more than yourselves. You are the living epitome of true love and no mater what happens in this life you will be blessed. I believe that you will grow closer to God through this experience and your trust will grow. I pray that as you cry out to God that He will give you peace. For with peace you will be able to discern what is from God and what is a lie. Be still and know He is God. I love you more than you will ever know.
Clint
Even though you will rise to the occasion I meant you are a rare breed.
BT:
Join the club of people who are begging for answers and a map. Just know that I (along with others) are in the trenches with you. Keep enjoying every moment of every day as best you can. I pray that you and Aly will FEEL the peace of God.
Klint
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