Self Worth?

I have been really trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to be doing and where I am supposed to be doing it. Along with that process comes the question of self worth. I don't think that I have placed my self worth in being able to make a certain amount of money. I really feel like it comes from the desire to provide for my family more adequately, and naturally that takes more money. I have never said to my self "boy things would be great if I made 'x' amount of money or things would be great if I worked here instead of there. It just bothers me that the goals I have for myself have not come to fruition faster. I understand the concept of patience and I understand things could change in an instance. When I made the decision to pursue college coaching I promised myself that I would not let any job sacrifice my relationship with the Lord, my wife, and my children. Too many coaches have ruined those relationships by working all the time. I have chosen to follow the model of: when I'm at work I am working on basketball, and when I am home I am with my wife and family. I am always available to the players on our team, whether at work or at home, but I try not to take my work home with me as much as possible. Because of that I sometimes wonder if I started into this business of coaching too late. I have never spent summers on the road going from one AAU tournament to the next. I haven't gone to every coaching clinic trying to meet the "next" coach who could get me a job. I have purposely sought out Christian colleges/universities to work at so that I can keep my faith in the open. I made those choices. Because of that I sometimes wonder if that was the right thing to do. Thankfully I get the right answer when I come home and my wife and son are happy to see me, and when I'm home,...I'm home. I'm not coming home when my son is sleeping and gone before he gets up. I know I am doing that right, at least I think I am. Because I love being home enjoying my family I wonder if I should even been coaching, but I love the game. I love the kids on the team. I love my boss. I love my college. But will I get to where I want to be, doing what I am doing, doing it the way I am doing it....I DON'T KNOW?

I go back and forth between things I must be doing wrong and things I do right. Its a battle that is wearing on me. One day I am down because I feel like I have screwed something up somewhere along the line, and another day I feel like I am doing things well and I try to improve from there. The thing of it is, is that I have always been able to keep a pretty level head about things. I don't let myself get too high or too low, but that has been tougher lately. I understand people go through this battle all the time, but this is my battle and I am trying to win this thing.

When I look at other opportunities for employment, its like a double edged sword. On one side I am trying to improve things for my family, and on the other side its like I'm not grateful for where I am. I have said this before, I get paid to watch kids play a game that I love to be a part of. Not many people get to say that or enjoy it the way I do.

As you can tell, I am flat out frustrated...not depressed, just really, really, frustrated. Wanting to do the right thing...whatever that may be.

So What is it...

I had mentioned in my last entry that I had somethings in the works. Well as is turns out those things never worked out. I was a finalist for the Dean of Students job here at the College. I didn't get that job, which would have been a great opportunity for me and a real nice pay raise. I really thought that I had a good shot at the job and thought that I would do a great job as the Dean of Students. I had high hopes for that. When that didn't work out I had applied for a head coaching job at a Christian College near Chicago. It would have been a great fit for me both spiritually and professionally. That too did not work out. They gave the job to the assistant coach. I had looked at some other spots as well that never really developed.

So in my mind it begged the question...What is it I am supposed to be doing?????? I am just at a very frustrating spot in my life. I want so much to be able to do more for my family. Both of the opportunities would have afforded me that. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have a job where I am at. Its just that I want to be able to provide for my family without having to rely on other people. I don't make enough money at the college to adequately provide for Aly and Brooks. If not for being able to "babysit" the house we are in we would probably have to live at one of our parents houses and that freaks me out. As it is, we can barely afford to live for "free" in the house we are living now. I have got to believe that I am worth more than what I am currently making. So I ask myself...Am I in the wrong profession? Should I be doing something else? Am I supposed to be happy with just getting by?

I feel like I have been patient. I feel like I haven't gone after unrealistic opportunities. I have to believe that I am not being unrealistic when I think that I can do better for my family. I just feel like where I am now doesn't give me that opportunity. I do love the college and its mission and I am grateful to have a job here, but to be honest I would barely be able to survive when Aly runs out of unemployment.

So I will continue to ask What is it??????????????

Potty training

We began potty training...or I should say Aly has been potty training Brooks this week. It has been quite an adventure for Aly and Brooks. He has been doing well for the most part, but has had trouble figuring out how to go #2. He is not quite comfortable with the whole idea of just letting things happen. He seems to be more comfortable hiding in a corner and doing the deed in his "big boy" underwear. We went out to eat last night and he had to go "pee-pee". When he came out he made it known to the whole restaurant, rather excitedly, that he went "pee-pee on the big boy potty daddy!!!" It was rather funny. We are hoping that by the end of the week he will figure out the #2 part and figure out how to wake up in the middle of the night to go potty. This weekend will be a big weekend for him. We are going to a cookout at my aunts house. It should be interesting. He has made some great strides. He can finally ride his bike with training wheels. Its awesome!!!!!!!