Self Worth?

I have been really trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to be doing and where I am supposed to be doing it. Along with that process comes the question of self worth. I don't think that I have placed my self worth in being able to make a certain amount of money. I really feel like it comes from the desire to provide for my family more adequately, and naturally that takes more money. I have never said to my self "boy things would be great if I made 'x' amount of money or things would be great if I worked here instead of there. It just bothers me that the goals I have for myself have not come to fruition faster. I understand the concept of patience and I understand things could change in an instance. When I made the decision to pursue college coaching I promised myself that I would not let any job sacrifice my relationship with the Lord, my wife, and my children. Too many coaches have ruined those relationships by working all the time. I have chosen to follow the model of: when I'm at work I am working on basketball, and when I am home I am with my wife and family. I am always available to the players on our team, whether at work or at home, but I try not to take my work home with me as much as possible. Because of that I sometimes wonder if I started into this business of coaching too late. I have never spent summers on the road going from one AAU tournament to the next. I haven't gone to every coaching clinic trying to meet the "next" coach who could get me a job. I have purposely sought out Christian colleges/universities to work at so that I can keep my faith in the open. I made those choices. Because of that I sometimes wonder if that was the right thing to do. Thankfully I get the right answer when I come home and my wife and son are happy to see me, and when I'm home,...I'm home. I'm not coming home when my son is sleeping and gone before he gets up. I know I am doing that right, at least I think I am. Because I love being home enjoying my family I wonder if I should even been coaching, but I love the game. I love the kids on the team. I love my boss. I love my college. But will I get to where I want to be, doing what I am doing, doing it the way I am doing it....I DON'T KNOW?

I go back and forth between things I must be doing wrong and things I do right. Its a battle that is wearing on me. One day I am down because I feel like I have screwed something up somewhere along the line, and another day I feel like I am doing things well and I try to improve from there. The thing of it is, is that I have always been able to keep a pretty level head about things. I don't let myself get too high or too low, but that has been tougher lately. I understand people go through this battle all the time, but this is my battle and I am trying to win this thing.

When I look at other opportunities for employment, its like a double edged sword. On one side I am trying to improve things for my family, and on the other side its like I'm not grateful for where I am. I have said this before, I get paid to watch kids play a game that I love to be a part of. Not many people get to say that or enjoy it the way I do.

As you can tell, I am flat out frustrated...not depressed, just really, really, frustrated. Wanting to do the right thing...whatever that may be.